I wish I could pause my days so they'd be longer

My life in a nutshell: Wake up at 7AM- go to work until 5PM, get home by 5:30, eat dinner and go to the gym, come home and shower, go to bed and then do it all over again… pathetic. I am just not the 9-5 type, but I do need money. So I have to do this until I can start bartending. So I can pay off my loans from Tampa and go back to school. (That whole thing is a long story) Then hopefully I can become a writer. 9-5 what? I think I'd love to be a bartender for now though (just for a year). I could be around people my age! The people at this job are like 30+ I can’t take it, like I can’t take my hair. I decided about a year and 2.5 months ago that I was going to grow out my relaxer and be all natural. Well I mean my hair texture isn’t too coarse really in the front the back is a completely different story. It's two different textures. My hair cut since I’ve done the "big chop" has not grown out nicely. My next hair cut is 7/15. I'm getting chemicals again. I just can’t be all natural unless we're talking food.

Lately I've been striving to eat completely natural food. It's a process, sometimes I mess up other times I don’t. When I do, I get over it. It’s nothing to dwell over. Life is too short to spend a day of it unhappy. I just make a list of all the things making me unhappy. I change what I can and accept what I can not. I joined W.O.W (work out world) Can I just say that all of the cutest guys in my town must go there. I wonder if they are all assholes. I can't help but think that beefy guys are automatically assholes. Maybe I'm wrong though. Who knows?

I'm calling out of work tomorrow. I really do want to go but I don’t know. Maybe I'll drag my ass there tired as hell because I’m not getting into bed until 3AM tonight. Four hrs of sleep isn’t good for me but $80.oo is. Not to mention in two weeks my paycheck is going to be a small one. I mean its Thursday. I can do it. I guess I should get to bed. The weekend is almost here. I'll be okay...maybe. I just can’t see myself missing work when I have so much debt I have to pay. Student loans, cell bill, credit card bills. You name it; I've got it (except for a mortgage. Thankfully I live at home with my parents.)

I am in the process of working on myself from the inside out. It's a long process but I'm patient. By 2007 I want to be more intelligent, a better writer, fitter, and happier, maybe even in love? - Only if it’s true love. I miss cuddling and kissing- but with someone who really loves me unconditionally. I guess I'm lying because you can't miss what you've never had. Unconditional love is an enigma to me. I've never experienced it. I've only known deceit. I do believe my soul mate is out there though. Maybe he is out there wishing that I'm out there too and eventually serendipity will come into play and we'll collide. Only time will tell. I refuse to settle for less than butterflies. I just want the fairytale--my sweetest fantasy to come true. I just want someone who finds adultery to be as appalling as I do, someone with high morals, intelligence and ambition...but only when I'm ready for it, and I'm not ready right now.

Good night

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